He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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