i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
