come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
