I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Damn victory sex feels great
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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