He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
