Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
