im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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