ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
