you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
