The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
