he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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