hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
