The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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