i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
