some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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