I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
