I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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