i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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