I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
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