Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
