Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
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You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
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He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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