i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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