can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
