we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
