She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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