got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
