She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
