ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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