I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Do you remember whose house we're in?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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