last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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