why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
