my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
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