his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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