Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
