we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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