my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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