Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
