take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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