State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
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No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
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Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
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