ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
