It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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