Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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