glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
