how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
