last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
