i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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