Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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