I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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