I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
