I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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