i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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