I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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