He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
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she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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