remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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