Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
