fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
vagina is talking i cant
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
