Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
home. puking in laundry basket.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
