it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
